Im 40!! Whoop Whoop!

So I turned 40 last Friday and I had a wonderful time with my friends. It kinda turned into a 3 day weekend party. Alot of my friends couldnt meet up the same day so I got with everyone over the weekend. I enjoyed good laughs, good eats and drinks. 

Since tuning 40, well actually a few months before I turned 40 I basically became a nymphomaniac. I mean out of know where I wanted to have lots and lots of sex multiple times a day. Thats when it it me. I have stepped into “cougardom”….yes thats a word I made up but you know what it hit fo. Again I meant to say “fo”…. leave ya spell check on YOUR blog…and just roll with it on mine. So any whoo being single does not help the urge to bang all the young men ages 18-25 on sight, LOL! WATCH OUT NAH!!  GOD BLESS they fine unsuspecting selves as I prowl around them print watching and shoe size, hand size stalking. *tee hee* Dont judge me my hormones are on a rampage. LOL!

Did your hormones go ziggity boom when hit 40? Or is just me? I am ready and willing to have lots of sex minimally 4 times a day…. ( but im so single right now and blows! ) …yes lawd the struggle is real.

I guess its time to find me a new B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend incase yall I have some new followers who aren’t familiar with the term) Gonna see what gets my biscuits going world of toys. Do I want batteries or manual. Do I want life like of fire red. Decisions, decisions!

Well thats enough about my need to MILF young boys, I’m going to eat some frosted flakes and talk shit to the t.v as I watch Love and Hip Hop on demand. 

So you wanna make some New Year Resolutions eh?

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So its that time of the year again when we all want a do over. We want to be “brand new”, be “team im doing me, you do you boo boo”, team “only GOD can judge”, ect, ect, etc. Sound familiar? Im sure it does, hell I’ve said it a few at one time or another in my 39 years on this earth. I guess I’m wondering why cant we just keep ish real, with ourselves( no typo I said “ish” ) and make some resolutions you can do and keep.

I see nothing wrong with saying my new years resolution is to masturbate more and in front of a mirror. Resolute yourself to be more sexually uninhibited with yourself and love you like no one will.
I see nothing wrong with saying in the new year I wanna stay fat. I like my weight and when I wanna loose a few pounds I will. You know what your health hit for, and you aware if your a cotton candy lick away from biting the dust. You grown and you know what needs to be done FOR YOU. You also knew about your health waaaayyyy before December 2013 rolled around. So if you was comfortable living how you were all this year, DO YOU. Phuck yo scale. Make changes when you are willing to commit, not because Dr. OZ moved you and you saw green tea light. We always want to get on the latest fad of weight loss waves, verses deciding to do a lifestyle change so the results YOU desire will make the change and last. Dont go broke on “products” only to let them collect dust, and become a laundy hamper or coaster for your Cold Stone cake batter milk shake. Keep ish real with you.

How about make a resolution to tell people fucking NO. YES…SAY NO. Grow a pair and dont always be “that guy” who somehow ends up being the one everyone uses to cook all the food at family/friend functions, using up all your food stamps and wic, cash and credit… want you to always organize and create activities for school affairs, family affairs, using you to always go pick up so and so taking them hiter and yonder, always want you to lend them your car for a year until they taxes come, …uh..yeah… want you always be the one providing gas money when yall go out, dont neva wanna split anything…assume you gonna be the automatic baby sitter cause you single or off the weekends. Um excuse me, I do own a few vibrators and some cheap wine, I know how to have a good time alone and nawl I dont wanna babysit yo bad ass chil’ren!! I got some single chick orgasms to reach, and lay in my own wet spot. Learn to say NO to people ….it wont kill them. Make people respect your time. Dont let folks delegate what YOU do. Resolute DAT!!

How about you make a resolution to just live life on your terms. We spend so much time looking at what JonesIliveAboveMyMeans and McDurffieShowOffs are doing we forget what WE need to be doing. We need to figure out what truly the word resolution mean. Google it I promise I wont explain it, see look at me, saying no, LOL. But seriously stop with all the bullshit resolutions that will be failed by 12:01 January 1st.

Okay later good folk. Oh and for you grammer nazi, get over. Proof reading is not on my new year’s resolution list. ;-)

Yours, Keva

Why I Stink at Kroger

Sometimes I forget how much fun my family can be. We are a family of jokesters and we are always on our toes. Never knowing when the next attack will be. There have been times we have pulled a prank so scandalous that we are laughing in tears. For the most part I’m pretty good at getting someone first, however today I slipped and let my guard down.

I hop in my ratchet piece of a car, (god bless her to rusty bits) and go over to my aunt’s house to visit like I always do. On a typical visit I harass her toddler by scaring her to death when her mom is not looking. Begging them out of food and drinking up all the Kool-Aid.  So I go about doing what I usually do only this time I have my daughter with me. She is running around with my aunt’s daughter terrorizing everything and everyone in their path of tiny tot destruction.

The evening starts to wind down and I finish up bugging my aunt and get ready to go. During the process of leaving my little one says she has to go “pot pot” so I take her. Thinking I would be in and out, the bathroom pit stop is now 15 min in.

Little did I know my aunt was changing her baby and using that opportunity to ruin my life as I know it.  Upon leaving the bathroom I noticed my duffel bag style purse which quite possibly holds my entire life in it, was moved from the couch to the table. No biggie I thought. Little did I know that move would be my un-doing.

I hug my aunt’s little rug rat, who tries to bite me and run. So I tripped her as gently with a loving foot. Cut my eyes at her mom, roll them and tell her she sucks (that’s our traditional I love you secret code) as I slam the door. God I love my family!

Getting my baby in the car seat was when I first noticed it. Sniff. Sniff. What in the world is that smell I said with a twisted nose. Immediately I place proper blame on the toddler who is potty trained, yet after the sniff test she comes up clean. I chalk it up to maybe I ran over something or in the air. Toss my duffel bag purse in passenger seat and we head out.

Just before I made it home I decided to run to Kroger to grab a few items. I have about 10 more minutes before I pull into Kroger and then I smell it again. Sniff. Sniff. What in the SAM HILL is that smell. I mean it’s foul. It’s might as well be Satan’s lower bowels being boiled on a hot summer day. Could it be ME? No way. To be sure, I stealthily sniff my armpits, fingers, various other parts and verified I was not the causing this malicious, vile scent, that seemed to be stuck on me.

Now I’m pissed because I think of my kids ate something in the car and dropped food and I’m about to find a new life form growing under my seat. Parked and annoyed that it’s dark outside and the inside light does not work, I grab my cell phone. The screen light will have to.  I need to know where that smell is coming from. Using my cell phone light I look under the seats, seeing just a few chicken nuggets and a few fries, I am pleased with the finding. Being a mom of 4 I ALWAYS have a chicken nugget or fry under my seat, and they have yet to turn into a foulness that would be assaulting  my nostrils. So I toss the toddler in the back of the buggy and my duffle bag in the front part of the cart. No sooner I start pushing my toddler thru the store and there it is again! Then with assurance in my tone I declared for a FACT it’s something in the air! It HAS to be. With my ugly very irritated face, on I march to grab my stuff.  Each isle I ventured up, the stink was upon me. It got to the point that as I passed people I asked them, do they smell something. Most of them looked at me like I crazy. Looking at me, I could not blame them though. I’m wearing bent up, broken flip-flops, no bra, dinner stains on my shirt, and yet I’m asking them do I smell something.

Hurrying to the line, I prayed no one snapped a picture of me and I’m now posted on the People of Wal-Mart site with the caption “do I stink”.

Casing out the lines, looking the shortest one, I make my move and low & behold,  a woman and her toddler rush in behind me. Thinking to myself “please God, please God” and then it happens. The little girl says “mama I smell stinky!” I immediately defend my body odor explaining it’s in the air. Her mother points out as I’m done putting all my items up, that the smell is concentrated right here with us. You better believe more ME than Us. She then starts looking around on the ground, because surely someone had stepped in dog poop.

While this is going on, the toddler puts my duffel bag up with grocery items. My bag wasn’t there 10 seconds and the bagger said the stink was coming from my bag. OH KNOW HE DIDN’T! Immediately he is a racist, (well not really but I was mad) and he was against anyone not wearing a bra in MY eyes at the time. Without a nasty word, (only the stink eye, and I can give a mean stink eye) I dump my duffel out right there. SEE, I exclaimed, only to see him pick up the poopy diaper among the other contents, which I didn’t know my aunt had thrown in my bag.

I was outdone. Flabbergasted that for almost 1 hr, I was riding around with diaper filled of hot poopy hell, in my bag, and more than likely, had I not made this Kroger trip, it would still be in my bag in the morning. Just the thought of it festering and growing overnight in bag, cause me to throw up in my mouth, just a teeny bit. Tears were streaming from laughing so hard. Oooh weee! She got me!

I finally got home, called her and even before I could say it she dying laughing. Good hearty belly laugh. She said she didn’t know how I made it that long before finding the diaper. She explained that she knew if she would have just asked me to take the diaper out to the trash I would told her pigs would fly first. Therefore she said my bad attitude cause bought this on myself. I could only shake my head cracking up. She knew my smart mouth would say something like that. Promptly I hung up, tap-slapped the “end” button (touch screen is impossible to hang up on anyone) so that I would feel better. Aired out my purse and just shook my head. Yes my family is full of jokesters and my aunt got me real good. So now, it’s on like donkey kong! I have vowed on my children’s last drop of blood I will make her pay. She must pay for causing me a stink at Kroger.

So do you have pranksters in your family? Please feel free to share your story

These boots were made for walking the path I choose

*posted from my cell, there is no spell check I’m sorry*

We have already established I’m a pitful blogger. Bless my heart y’all, with my every 6 months post. I promise I’m working on it. So let me catch you up on what’s been going on with me.

The Muffin (aka Milk Gangsta) turned 2yrs old on the 6th of this month and is still currently breastfeeding. She nurses at least 2x’s at night…. 4x’s a day during the work week and on demand on the weekends. Were still cloth diapering. She shows some interest in potty training so were moving foward at her pace. My goal is to have her in her favorite Dora panties before the summer. (Tips and Tricks are welcome PLEASE) :-) Oh and who has a toddler who just up and changed their sleep pattering…mine has started going bed every night around 1-130am. *oh hells nawl she didn’t!* Can you say 1 step away from Nyquil dipped nips! Lol. Such is the life of a toddler.

I still work with new mommies at WIC helping them to start and maintain a breastfeeding relationship. *LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my job* Its a passion of mine to get our african american moms breastfeeding and helping to bring down our infant mortality rate. Oh, and since I love my job so, guess what?….its not work any more to me. How awesome is that!

Other extras in my life include my training as a labor doula. But I have been doing mostly postpartum doula. I enjoy going over my clients house and making them comfortable and relaxed. After having a baby, nothing feels more better coming home come to clean house, a few meals prepared and frozen, babies room organized, moms bedroom full of clean lines and to top it off a wonderful foot soak and pedicure.

As much as I love being a moms labor support, being oncall with a 2yr old is a bit trying. So I’m moving forward with postpartum work for new moms in my spare time.

I’ve also found and IBCLC & a midwifery course I will be starting with in the next few months…. Goals – IBCLC by 2013 (latest 2014)…….Midwife Apprentice *fingers crossed* 2014 ……offically a Midwife in practice 2017-18…. :-)

So do you have your boots on?.. What have changed for you lately?….. New career, new baby, did you move, are a you WOHM turned SAHM, are you newly single and loving it? :-).

~Talk to Me, Ill Talk Back~

You’ve skated long enough! (Child Support Vent)

*posted from cell, 4 give the typos*

My childrens father have worked at the same resturant for some years now. Sometime ago I stop recieveing child support. I was under the impression he had stop working there. He was going thru some things (which I gave less than a real fuck about, cause as a single mama I go thru things all the time but I don’t take a vacation and stop caring for my kids)… So I chaulked it up, and figured until he until he gets back to working child support will take it out again. My friend went to eat where we thought he USE to work at and low and behold the bastard was there, cooking up a storm. She imm called me and told me. I called the friend of court, sat on hold 45min before even talking to someone, then they told me they still have the child support order in place, (translation, child support should have NEVER stopped) read back to me the name of the job on the order, stated they don’t know why I haven’t received anything, and said they would reissue the order again imm, and that the resturant had 45days to comply. Friend of the court also let me know its ILLEGAL for a company to disregard a income withholding order for a employee. So I called up to his job and asked for their corp number to speak to someone in regards to the lawsuit I would be filing against their company for back child support they refused to deduct out of his check all this time. I faxed over the income with holding I had received a copy of from 2yrs ago and let them know a new one was on the way. I also faxed copies of my child support issued debit visa card statements showing 0$ balances and the last payment I received from him which was during a period he worked for them. They tried to claim they didn’t receive such a order….so I explained to them that for whatever reason they “lost” the order and stop taking it out and I am still owed that money, once its proven they had the order and ignored it. (I have the patience of a snail. I can wait this thing out. The truth will prevail) So I have to wait 30 days to give them a chance to investigate and see “what happen” to the child support order they were honoring up until they stopped……moral of the long post is…..

There are too many men getting off scott fucking free and are holding jobs. Legit jobs that give them a check and take taxes out. I don’t know if there giving good penis or bomb ass head to the HR folks or what, but they (the job) are bound by law to deduct that money. So the far the deadbeats getting paid “under the table” which for them will backfire (are able to skate) so to speak. Dumbasses are not planning for the future. Cause we all know, not having social security and taxes took out, because they don’t want there checks touched, (translation, they won’t want “the man” making them take care their kids, since they can’t do it on their own) mean they will grow old and not have 1 penny to help them out in there olden years. Too bad for they dumb asses. however I for one will not sit by and let the shit slide. To the best of my abilty I will continue to advocate for my child support if I get it given me in a reasonable fashion on his own. These kids were NOT created because of some strong masturbation. Since we both made them we both need to provide for them, one way or the other.

Thanks for letting me vent a little.

*UPDATE*

I’m happy to report child support has kicked in. I was asked could I go to court and drop 50% of the back pay. Um, (let me think for a mintue) NO…HELL NO. That is all.

25$ Cash #GiveAWAY!!

I’m giving away 25$ cash and a Breastfeeding Goodie Sample Bag!

Up for grabs will be $25.00 issued thru http://paypal to be used as you like on breastfeeding supplies of whatever you want. That of course will be issued in 24 hours of winning.
Then there will be a SAMPLE GOODIE bag with of a varity of breastfeeding items. Such as a simple nursing bracelet, , mother milk tea samples and much more! This will be mailed out to you.
To enter this Giveaway tell us what you are doing to promote breastfeeding this week. *Simple huh?* It could simple be, breastfeeding in public. Your pregnant and attending breastfeeding support groups. You helped get your church (or some other place) to be breastfeeding friendly. These are just a few examples of promoting breastfeeding awareness.

Appreciated but NEVER MANDATRY…..
Follow this blog via GFC
Follow this blog via email
Follow me via twitter and tweet about this Giveaway
Like me on FB “Single Mama Tales It All”
If you should do anyone of the above mentioned, just let me know by leaving a seperate comment for each here on this blog.
*This GiveAway will end Sunday July 7, 2011 midnight! *
When I announce the winner I will then get your email, and PLEASE make sure (mandatory) you have a PAYPAL account so you can receive the 25$. I don’t send money thru the mail.

HELL ON EARTH IS REAL

Let me say this, the Cassie Anthony case has stirred emotions in everyone, everywhere. My opinion is this, regardless what we may feel (she guilty or not) this woman was tried and judged by a jury of her peers who was presented evidence that after they reviewed it and heard everything, did not convict her.

Saying that to say this…..I feel those that are threating to kill her, and have made death threats at people who “share” her name and “look” like her are WRONG. Why isn’t any trying to go after the jurors? They set her free? Right. Im just saying.

You can feel how you wanna feel, that’s your right, my right (personally I think she guilty, but I wasnt on the case) no one can change your right to feel how you want, HOWEVER why try to harm this woman (who was found innocent, REGARDLESS of what we feel) and then end possibly end up in jail away from your own family. Why would anyone risk that. Thats all I’m saying.

Did you see on the news the woman who was ran over with a car because a woman THOUGHT she was Anthony! Aint that a bitch! Now this woman who favors her is in the hospital injured, and could been killed taken away from her kids, all because someone wanna play God. The lady who tried to run her over is in jail. Away from her family. And for what?

Then too if she was so guilty how in the hell did she get found innocent? What did the jury see, that we didnt?…Tho it boggles the mind how a innocent verdict came everyone still needs to be aware of the consequences that could come upon them if they do anything to this woman. Her life is gonna be hell, just on the fact, who will hire her? Who will rent to her? Who will be friends with her? The moment she was released her LITERAL HELL ON EARTH BEGAN.

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